7 Thank You's to the One That Got Away

To the One That Got Away

1) Thank you for showing me how a man is supposed to treat a lady. 

You opened my doors in a kind way, not demeaning me because I'm a woman. I say that because there are two types of men, the kind that sees us as equal and the kind that won't even throw us a football because you think you'll injure us. Thank you for being the kind that sees me as equal, while politely doing my heavy lifting, just because you could ;). 

2) Thank you for showing me that good men do exist in this world. 

I've always appreciated you being the first guy to respect me enough to not pressure me towards anything I didn't want to do. I never felt awkward and never had to worry about being alone with you. 

3) Thank you for joking with me. 

Thanks for sitting for hours and carrying on conversations under "what if" circumstances and laughing until we cried. Thanks for begging me for hours to be my first red carpet date and for promising to never be mad if I left you for Justin Timberlake (but only if you could have Jessica Biel- which you can under those circumstances!!).

4) Thank you for taking me seriously. 

Even though you were older than me, you still listened to every word I said, never laughed at my opinions (or even the moments where I had no idea what I was talking about), and supported me through every dream I had. 

5) Thank you for being you the whole time, and not giving me a side that you thought I'd want to know. 

Since you, I've moved to LA and have learned to truly appreciate your realness with me. I've started seeing past relationships for what they were and why they fell apart, and it's nice to know that you gave me who you are.

6) Thank you for teaching me that being together doesn't mean we have to entertain each other, but that it's just fine to sit together not saying a word- but just being together is enough. 

In the beginning, it's a relief when the words flow naturally between each other, but it's even more beautiful when we don't have to say a word to each other and still feel together. After my world was turned upside down, when you sat with me quietly, either in my office or on the couch or even in your truck, meant more to me than you'll ever know. Because of that, I knew I could tell you what no one else knew, and you were my rock through the entire experience. I can't thank you enough.

7) Thank you for not being afraid to cry with me. 

In the beginning you showed me your strength, but when those hurts came that almost took who I was, you showed me it's not bad to cry. You showed me you cared and showed me your heart, which means more to me than you'll ever know. 

Even though we never used the words "I love you," and you weren't exactly the first love I ever had, I do love you. Maybe not in a "love of my life" kind of way, because honestly I never had the chance to see if you were. But I love you for showing me how good relationships can be and that I should never settle. It may hurt to know you're gone, but congratulations- and I hope she knows how lucky she is. 

Taylor Swift said it best, "you probably think I've either moved on or hate you, cause each time you reach out there's no reply. I bet it never occurred to you that I can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye." I think that quote sums up this section, because I can't be friends with you- and it takes everything within me to not be your friend. 

Faith To Fall Back On

I'm going on a year and five months being a full-time resident of Southern California. I have loved most days, but nothing good comes without a couple of downs. In December of 2013, when I went back to Tennessee for Christmas after living in Los Angeles for three months, I was overwhelmingly bored. Almost everything about that visit made me realize why I left in the first place (of course not my family). I practically raced everyone to gate B2 in the Memphis airport to get back to Los Angeles, California.

In that moment, I realized how much I loved my life in Los Angeles. I eventually left my full time job, that escalated from 40 hour weeks to 74 hour weeks- sucking "the ever living" life out of me (I enjoyed using that southern reference all too much). I started working at a restaurant and even got a part time sales job at another gym, so that I could fully pursue my acting career. I started volunteering my time at my church, and even though my acting career didn't seem to be moving, my spiritual journey was extravagant. I began to learn more and more about myself everyday. I wasn't dating at all, not even slightly close, and I didn't even mind.

I bounced back and forth between my two jobs, keeping myself completely occupied. I was taking every class I could get into and doing everything I could think of. I decided before I went back to Tennessee for the holidays, I was going to have everything 100% ready for 2015 pilot season, and guess what?- I DID! I revamped my entire website and started all over again, got new head shots with an amazing photographer, shot a couple of scenes for my reel, and even got my clips put together and edited for my reel!

The last few months of 2014, were some of the toughest months I had ever experienced. And the sad thing was it was all happening in Tennessee, and I was 3,000 miles away. If I didn't have my faith, I would either be flat on the ground or back in my parent's house in Dresden, Tennessee. Although the year was filled with many tasks and full schedules, every second that my thoughts were able to, they reminded me how much I missed my family and friends. I'd be lying if I said I was only slightly ready to be reunited with Tennessee soil.

I hopped off the plane in Memphis, Tennessee, to be picked up by my mother and was surprised to see my Dad and Uncle Daniel waiting for me! My best friend, Alex, didn't leave my side, and my amazing family and friends went out of there way to make it the best visit so far-- and they succeeded. My uncle waited until I came home to propose to his girlfriend so that I could be a part of it, and I cried like a baby. The eight nights and nine days flew by quicker than I could imagine, and I hesitated to step on the plane taking me back to sunshine and traffic.

As I sat through a three hour layover in Chicago, I pondered on my life in California and the life I once had in Tennessee. Two different worlds, inside and out. Everybody in Tennessee is settling down into marriage and many are even having babies, while in California, I hardly know three couples. I suddenly felt alone. My best friend from Tennessee asked me who my best friend was in California, and I had to shake my head, because my two closest friends while I have lived in California have both moved- and they moved a long time ago. When my relatives asked about guys in my life, I had to shake my head again because there hasn't been a single prospect.

I got off the plane and went right back to work (literally, I slept five hours and then went to work). On New Years Eve, as I worked a nine hour shift, I was fighting a sickness that was much worse than I imagined. It started as a headache and a cough that wouldn't go away, but quickly escalated and I found myself with the flu. As I laid in bed for five days straight, with only people 3,000 miles away to call, I had never felt more alone. I was afraid to tell anyone, so I haven't until now, but for the next couple of days, I looked up apartments in Nashville, Tennessee for rent. After visiting for nine days after a year of being gone, I suddenly felt like I was missing so much. I need my family and I felt so far away.

I realized a couple of months back that against my original thoughts, I did not move to California for acting, but for things God has in plan for me that I may or may not yet be aware of. I realized the reason why I am single is because I have so much spiritual and personal growth that there is no way to help someone else when I'm still working on myself. And suddenly I realized, even though I went back to visit the bible belt, I was missing God in those painful days returning from Tennessee. Not that my trip was sinful, but somehow my focus shifted from Him to only myself. I started praying to take my blinders off, and praying for the ability to be open to new things and new people, that if I was meant to be here I would be surrounded by people that are good, and that the lonely feeling deep in my soul would be resolved.

Days later, I met another girl who was experiencing the same feelings and we immediately clicked. The following day, I finished my small group with some friends from church and my eyes started opening more and more. The next day, I had a very good experience at a very fun audition, met some really cool people, and more at church. The following day, I met up with a new friend and shared many laughs. While the following days, one of my best friends came to visit and we spent the entire weekend running around having the time of our lives. The past two weeks, God has showed me who I am and that I'm so very far from alone. He's opened about a billion doors for me (so many that I've had to decide between which audition would be better to take because their happening at the same time). I'm so excited for the life that is ahead of me, and I am patiently waiting for the many blessings God keeps sending my way. I'm wrapping up this blog so that I can prepare for another audition tomorrow morning. Whether I'm right for the part or so very wrong, I'm just grateful for the opportunity to be practicing what I love.

When things are good, God is good.
When things are bad, God is even better.

XOXO