7 Thank You's to the One That Got Away

To the One That Got Away

1) Thank you for showing me how a man is supposed to treat a lady. 

You opened my doors in a kind way, not demeaning me because I'm a woman. I say that because there are two types of men, the kind that sees us as equal and the kind that won't even throw us a football because you think you'll injure us. Thank you for being the kind that sees me as equal, while politely doing my heavy lifting, just because you could ;). 

2) Thank you for showing me that good men do exist in this world. 

I've always appreciated you being the first guy to respect me enough to not pressure me towards anything I didn't want to do. I never felt awkward and never had to worry about being alone with you. 

3) Thank you for joking with me. 

Thanks for sitting for hours and carrying on conversations under "what if" circumstances and laughing until we cried. Thanks for begging me for hours to be my first red carpet date and for promising to never be mad if I left you for Justin Timberlake (but only if you could have Jessica Biel- which you can under those circumstances!!).

4) Thank you for taking me seriously. 

Even though you were older than me, you still listened to every word I said, never laughed at my opinions (or even the moments where I had no idea what I was talking about), and supported me through every dream I had. 

5) Thank you for being you the whole time, and not giving me a side that you thought I'd want to know. 

Since you, I've moved to LA and have learned to truly appreciate your realness with me. I've started seeing past relationships for what they were and why they fell apart, and it's nice to know that you gave me who you are.

6) Thank you for teaching me that being together doesn't mean we have to entertain each other, but that it's just fine to sit together not saying a word- but just being together is enough. 

In the beginning, it's a relief when the words flow naturally between each other, but it's even more beautiful when we don't have to say a word to each other and still feel together. After my world was turned upside down, when you sat with me quietly, either in my office or on the couch or even in your truck, meant more to me than you'll ever know. Because of that, I knew I could tell you what no one else knew, and you were my rock through the entire experience. I can't thank you enough.

7) Thank you for not being afraid to cry with me. 

In the beginning you showed me your strength, but when those hurts came that almost took who I was, you showed me it's not bad to cry. You showed me you cared and showed me your heart, which means more to me than you'll ever know. 

Even though we never used the words "I love you," and you weren't exactly the first love I ever had, I do love you. Maybe not in a "love of my life" kind of way, because honestly I never had the chance to see if you were. But I love you for showing me how good relationships can be and that I should never settle. It may hurt to know you're gone, but congratulations- and I hope she knows how lucky she is. 

Taylor Swift said it best, "you probably think I've either moved on or hate you, cause each time you reach out there's no reply. I bet it never occurred to you that I can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye." I think that quote sums up this section, because I can't be friends with you- and it takes everything within me to not be your friend. 

Faith To Fall Back On

I'm going on a year and five months being a full-time resident of Southern California. I have loved most days, but nothing good comes without a couple of downs. In December of 2013, when I went back to Tennessee for Christmas after living in Los Angeles for three months, I was overwhelmingly bored. Almost everything about that visit made me realize why I left in the first place (of course not my family). I practically raced everyone to gate B2 in the Memphis airport to get back to Los Angeles, California.

In that moment, I realized how much I loved my life in Los Angeles. I eventually left my full time job, that escalated from 40 hour weeks to 74 hour weeks- sucking "the ever living" life out of me (I enjoyed using that southern reference all too much). I started working at a restaurant and even got a part time sales job at another gym, so that I could fully pursue my acting career. I started volunteering my time at my church, and even though my acting career didn't seem to be moving, my spiritual journey was extravagant. I began to learn more and more about myself everyday. I wasn't dating at all, not even slightly close, and I didn't even mind.

I bounced back and forth between my two jobs, keeping myself completely occupied. I was taking every class I could get into and doing everything I could think of. I decided before I went back to Tennessee for the holidays, I was going to have everything 100% ready for 2015 pilot season, and guess what?- I DID! I revamped my entire website and started all over again, got new head shots with an amazing photographer, shot a couple of scenes for my reel, and even got my clips put together and edited for my reel!

The last few months of 2014, were some of the toughest months I had ever experienced. And the sad thing was it was all happening in Tennessee, and I was 3,000 miles away. If I didn't have my faith, I would either be flat on the ground or back in my parent's house in Dresden, Tennessee. Although the year was filled with many tasks and full schedules, every second that my thoughts were able to, they reminded me how much I missed my family and friends. I'd be lying if I said I was only slightly ready to be reunited with Tennessee soil.

I hopped off the plane in Memphis, Tennessee, to be picked up by my mother and was surprised to see my Dad and Uncle Daniel waiting for me! My best friend, Alex, didn't leave my side, and my amazing family and friends went out of there way to make it the best visit so far-- and they succeeded. My uncle waited until I came home to propose to his girlfriend so that I could be a part of it, and I cried like a baby. The eight nights and nine days flew by quicker than I could imagine, and I hesitated to step on the plane taking me back to sunshine and traffic.

As I sat through a three hour layover in Chicago, I pondered on my life in California and the life I once had in Tennessee. Two different worlds, inside and out. Everybody in Tennessee is settling down into marriage and many are even having babies, while in California, I hardly know three couples. I suddenly felt alone. My best friend from Tennessee asked me who my best friend was in California, and I had to shake my head, because my two closest friends while I have lived in California have both moved- and they moved a long time ago. When my relatives asked about guys in my life, I had to shake my head again because there hasn't been a single prospect.

I got off the plane and went right back to work (literally, I slept five hours and then went to work). On New Years Eve, as I worked a nine hour shift, I was fighting a sickness that was much worse than I imagined. It started as a headache and a cough that wouldn't go away, but quickly escalated and I found myself with the flu. As I laid in bed for five days straight, with only people 3,000 miles away to call, I had never felt more alone. I was afraid to tell anyone, so I haven't until now, but for the next couple of days, I looked up apartments in Nashville, Tennessee for rent. After visiting for nine days after a year of being gone, I suddenly felt like I was missing so much. I need my family and I felt so far away.

I realized a couple of months back that against my original thoughts, I did not move to California for acting, but for things God has in plan for me that I may or may not yet be aware of. I realized the reason why I am single is because I have so much spiritual and personal growth that there is no way to help someone else when I'm still working on myself. And suddenly I realized, even though I went back to visit the bible belt, I was missing God in those painful days returning from Tennessee. Not that my trip was sinful, but somehow my focus shifted from Him to only myself. I started praying to take my blinders off, and praying for the ability to be open to new things and new people, that if I was meant to be here I would be surrounded by people that are good, and that the lonely feeling deep in my soul would be resolved.

Days later, I met another girl who was experiencing the same feelings and we immediately clicked. The following day, I finished my small group with some friends from church and my eyes started opening more and more. The next day, I had a very good experience at a very fun audition, met some really cool people, and more at church. The following day, I met up with a new friend and shared many laughs. While the following days, one of my best friends came to visit and we spent the entire weekend running around having the time of our lives. The past two weeks, God has showed me who I am and that I'm so very far from alone. He's opened about a billion doors for me (so many that I've had to decide between which audition would be better to take because their happening at the same time). I'm so excited for the life that is ahead of me, and I am patiently waiting for the many blessings God keeps sending my way. I'm wrapping up this blog so that I can prepare for another audition tomorrow morning. Whether I'm right for the part or so very wrong, I'm just grateful for the opportunity to be practicing what I love.

When things are good, God is good.
When things are bad, God is even better.

XOXO

What It Really Means

Since my first visit to LA, I realized how much of a different world it really is here. I noticed how different it was on my first visit, at least compared to where I'm from. As it was different, it was good, it was welcoming (I just used the word different way too many times).

I remember when I announced that I was moving, people tried to "warn" me about the people I would encounter in LA. People tried to tell me that people here are rude and crooked and "you ca't just trust anyone anymore." Based off my previous visit, I thought that was strange. I was blessed enough to meet the best people in the world. I went out on a limb and stayed with a friend's family, whom I knew nothing about nor ever met before. I auditioned for a class that I wasn't sure if I'd even like, or if I'd get in. I was amazed at how welcoming every person I met was. Most people come here for a dream, and it's so beautiful at how supportive everyone is of each other's dreams.

It's not that being careful around people was bad advice, but just that  everyone made it about LA. There are crazy and bad people in LA, Oklahoma, Mexico, and even Tennessee. And yes, I've crossed paths with crazy people here (just like I have back home), but I've also met the best people.

My favorite thing about people here is how accepting they are. I've never felt more comfortable than I have here. Since this place is so "crazy", it's quite the norm. Your skin color could be green and nobody would ridicule or call you insane. You could shave your head completely bald and people would accept it as a new trend. Whether you're into guys or girls, no one particularly cares- it's your life. Whether you're married or hate any idea of love, you can find a place where no one even asks about it.

My whole point is that a place that's supposedly so sinful, couldn't be more Christ- like. At this point, I'm sure you're like, "Huh?" PLOT TWIST. I never thought much about it before, just because judgement is all too common in small towns. Whether it's about what you did last night, what you wore to church on  Sunday morning, or how you got into a disagreement with your significant other. Tennessee is supposed to be in the bible belt, and I read a statistic today that said almost everyone in Tennessee claims to be very religious, yet I feel like there are many misconstrued understandings of what it means to be a God-loving community.

My pastor Judah Smith spoke on 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.
[4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, 5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; 6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; 7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.] 

The bible was originally written in Greek, and the greek definition of "bear" is "roof". Which means that we should be a roof over people to keep them safe, cover and protect. To not point, fingers and talk/ judge their habits or mistakes, but to keep it private.

[4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.]

 One City Church pastor from Seattle, Billy Huffman, born and raised in Georgia. He talked about how in the south, sermons often consist of topics about what happens if we don't accept God and what hell is like. We're taught mostly how to fear God, which I get, but then when the gospel is shared by people who learn that- it comes out terrifying to non- christians and frankly, may push them further away. Billy also talked about when we do became christians in the south, it's like we're expected to start changing our entire lifestyle. Including getting rid of our old friends who aren't christians or are just falling off the path. Then we look like hypocrites and people look down ever more on Christianity.

I no longer like to refer to myself as a christian, but as a "Jesus person." I don't need or want a label on my relationship with God, it's personal and that's all that matters. I've thoroughly enjoyed my relationship with God and learning how to depend on Him, trust in Him, and truly love Him. He continues to bless me in every second I'm awake. I just hope and pray that everyone can find a love like mine with God.  

Perfectly "Lonely"

[ This post is not to offend anyone, disagree with anyones decisions, demean or question anyones actions. When reading this post, do not comment about disagreements. These are PERSONAL reasons. Everyone is different. Thank you in advance.]

I'm only 20 years young, and that's my exact opinion of my age- I'm young, even though I feel much older. I've had my share of finding heartbreaks and real life experiences, and even though I decided to leave my home and move 3,000 miles away at the age of 19- I'm far from ready for anything much more. 

Every day I get on FaceBook, there's a new engagement or baby announcement from people I went to school with and are my age. And don't get me wrong, I'm super excited for everyone, but I just can't help but to stop and think, "wow, I couldn't do that right now."

I was reading a post about Hayden Panettiere being pregnant and an interview that they had with her. She was saying that she has heard people talking about motherhood and pregnancy like it was one of the worst things on earth and how people think that it means life is over. She disagreed by saying that being a mother is the most beautiful thing actually and a child or family won't stop you from doing anything. 

I must admit that I strongly agree with her. Neither husbands nor children would keep you from doing anything more with your life, but would actually be quite the opposite. If you marry the right person, they are going to be as big a support system as your parents, and they will want you to reach all your goals, help as much as they can, encourage you when your feeling negative, and be there all along the way. And any child you have is going to want their mother or father to be awesomely successful. Yes, of course there are going to be moments where they want you to be there all day everyday, but they will grow and realize how proud they are of you. It's all due to love, and there's nothing like the love between a spouse and a your children. 

With that being said, I've been single now for two years. I spent a lot of time with a guy before I moved and I still think the world of him. I was afraid to be anything real with him knowing that I was moving because I was afraid of getting hurt or hurting myself. But since moving to California, I have been out with only two guys and I'm not in the least bit ashamed about it. I've had my moments where I questioned why I've been alone. But a couple months back, a girl I met at church prophesied over me, and I've thought about what she said every single day. I've never been prophesied over, and frankly didn't even know how to feel about it, but something inside of me felt a real connection with the words she spoke and I've felt better ever since about not dating and being alone. 

At the end of church, she grabbed my hand and said, "I hope you don't mind, but when I met you, I had the feeling I needed to be praying for you. I wasn't really sure what for, but I have been throughout this service. And do you mind if I share something with you?" 

"Of course I don't mind."

"From what God has told me, when you were back home you always kind of had a boyfriend of some sort right?"

"...Yes..."

"And now you've come to California and you haven't really had anybody like that, right?"

"Right, I've been out with two guys..."

"God wants you to know that he loves you and you're not alone, even if you feel that way sometimes. God brought you out here to learn to depend on him, and him only. California is the metaphorical "desert" here and he's put you in this "drought" of no guys to learn that no human can help you or be there for you like God can. There's a message in Hosea that tells the story. Even though the story is about a prostitute, this is what he wants you to realize.

Hosea 2:14-23

And now, here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to start all over again.

I'm taking her back out into the wilderness where we had our first date, and I'll court her.

I'll give her bouquets or roses. I'll turn Heartbreak Valley in Acres of Hope. 

She'll respond like she did as a young girl, those days when she was fresh out of Egypt.

"At that time"- this is God's message still- "you'll address me, 'Dear husband!' 

Never again will you address me, 'My slave-master!'

I'll wash your mouth out with soap, get rid of all the dirty false-god names, not so much as a whisper of those names again. 

At the same time I'll make a peace treaty between you and wild animals and birds and reptiles, 

And get rid of all weapons of war, think of it! Safe from beasts and bullies!

And then I'll marry you for good- forever! I'll marry you true and proper, in love and tenderness. 

Yes, I'll marry you and neither leave you nor let you go. 

You'll know me, God, for who I really am. 

On the very same day, I'll answer"- this is God's message-

"I'll answer the sky, sky will answer earth, 

Earth will answer grain and wine and olive oil, and they'll all answer Jezreel.

I'll plant her in the good earth. 

I'll have mercy on No-Mercy.

I'll say to Nobody, 'You're my dear Somebody,' and he'll say 'You're my God!' "

(The Message Bible translation)

I can't come up with a conclusion for this blog because that scripture says it all. I'm forever grateful for the things God has put me through, the people he has surrounded me with, and the blessings he continues to give me. 

I've made the best friends a girl could ask for and lucky enough to serve with them every week at church. All I can hope is that everyone figures out how not alone they are and they embrace the love of God and that they find friends like mine.

XOXO

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure."

Hebrews 6:19

2013 for me has been.....

2013 has been quite the year. 

I remember my last quote of 2013 being "Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year". And that's exactly what 2013 has been for me. 

From bringing in the new year with my uncle Daniel and my future aunt Summer,

To my best friend Alex taking me to the Justin Bieber concert,
To being on the TV show "Nashville" - not once- but TWICE,
from being in a short film written and directed by Karen Carlson with the famous Tom Skerritt,
to getting my wisdom teeth removed and then going back from bone fragments removal as well,
to the hard and difficult work as a DECA officer in 2013- but saying goodbye to my DECA team and passing on my title with tears,

having quite the trip to Nashville with my best girls from Anytime Fitness,
to traveling to Los Angeles to audition for school- getting in the class- and meeting the most amazing people I could have ever crossed paths with that taught me so much about life and love and family and the craft within so little time of being with the beautiful people,

to chopping off my long blonde hair AND dying it auburn,
getting representative t shirts and episodes from "Bluff" series that I did in Canada,
had my first AND second interview as an actress on my career and future plans,
had the best last summer with my amazing friends,
My step sister Lily graduated pre-k and my step mom Tara finished her teaching degree,
My mom's best friend Amanda found out she was having a little girl and then also giving birth to the most beautiful angel I have ever laid eyes on (I think she's even prettier than me, and that's saying A LOT- haha see I can be funny),
To saying goodbye to the only place and people I've ever known,
to driving across the United States without stopping,
to beginning an adventure all on my own thousands of miles away from "home",
going back to my acting school and meeting more amazing people,

started working in sales at LA Fitness,
made some of the best friends along the way,
working on a web series called the "Disorganized Zone",

started going to the largest bible study ever- which is not the LA branch of The City Church out of Seattle, WA and got closer to God than I could have ever imagined myself being,
met my best friend in the entire world Mary Jewels,

got promoted to management at LA Fitness,
carved pumpkins, went to haunted houses, and had work halloween parties,
spent my first thanksgiving away from home with two of the best sisters in the world Mary and Margo (missing Maurie),
went to a fantastic Christmas at the Grove Tree Lighting Ceremony with a free concert from Gavin DeGraw, Jewel, Mary J Blige, etc,
got promoted to another gym as management in the LA Fitness world,
had a lot of great adventures!
packed up my best friend for West Tennessee,
went back to Tennessee to visit for Christmas,
dyed my hair back blonde,
reunited with the best friends and family,
came back to my current home in Los Angeles,
and going to end 2013 with someone special <3

Taking Off

Sunday is the Lord's day, and rest is always blessed! I spent my Sunday mostly relaxing and catching up on a little lost sleep. And it's a good thing I did, because I had an insane week ahead of me.

Monday I started my new job- at least the training. I was recently hired by Dialogue Direct Keystone Fundraising, which works solely for the non-profit organization Children's International. I feel like this will be a very beneficial job for me because it will keep me grounded. It's easy to come out to Los Angeles and get caught up and lost in the materialistic life that most live out here, but this job will be a daily reminder of how fortunately blessed I am! It's a full time position, 9AM-6PM Monday-Friday. But due to traffic, I have to leave by 7:15 every morning. I also had Jack's class going on through the week, so I went straight from work to Jack's class-which I arrived late to. And then getting home around midnight. I also have the web series that started this weekend! So I got to spend my days off from my day job, working on set! WHEW! I'm gonna wear myself out fast. OH WELL, I love being busy :)

So Monday's training went really great! We was a fantastic new group of people. We all brought in our own personalities and there was never a dull moment. We learned all about the organization, how to go about the job, and pitching all afternoon. I went straight from work to Jack's workshop. On Tuesday, I got to meet my team leader- Sarah- and officially began the job. We worked in Korea town and had some amazing korean food for lunch. My first day on the job, I managed to save a baby all on my own! Wednesday, I met my other teammate- Olivia- and realized that we are practically the same person. We worked in Santa Monica that day and I managed to save two babies! On Thursday, we worked downtown and one of my previous co-workers ended up getting interviewed for the news and they shot quite a bit of footage of me working; as well as the time I walked directly behind the camera waving..... Never would have thought I'd been on camera before! Haha

Interview

Friday, I had the day off from work because I had scene class with Jack Waltzer. I love Jack way too much! He's the sweetest man. He's constantly hugging on me and saying "Kelsie's the perfect girl. She's my girlfriend from Tennessee. She cooks, cleans, and sews! She's the perfect girl." He also told me that he worries about me because these LA people are going to corrupt me! Once I got out of class, I came home and cleaned house. Then Christopher and I went and enjoyed a nice sushi dinner :) I came home and prepared myself for the next day. I had to miss class on Saturday because I was working on set.

Saturday I worked on set of "The Disorganized Zone". I act as well as work as script supervisor. I was a nervous wreck, since I'd never done that before and it's one of the most important jobs on set. But it went surprisingly great! The director and producer both bragged on me and said "You should do this on the side from acting!" And I got the pleasure of meeting some wonderful actors and people, as well as getting to work with Eduardo again- whom I worked with in Canada on "Bluff". And Judy Norton, known as Mary Ellen from "The Waltons", is directing this production as well! Below is the link to some of the wonderful cast!

Judy Norton

Gil Darnell

Eduardo Enrikez

Davis Pevsner

Tarri Markel

Saturday night, Jack Waltzers class had a wrap party a Jouri's huge house. I walked in and their all hugging and kissing me saying how much Jack bragged on me and how much they missed me in class. It was honestly the best time I've had in an extremely long time. Best people on earth. I feel like it's appropriate to share about the amazing influence that these people continue to make on me. They have left the biggest prints on my heart and I will never forget or get over the love I feel for each and everyone of them. The class was much larger this time and it was still the best! I connected with people all over the world, talk about international learning! It could have gone both ways, but these are people that I can talk about anything with. I don't feel obligated to only talk about scene work or what we're soon to work on. I laughed more than I ever have that night! I had to drag myself out of the house at 2 AM, since I had to get up early the next morning. I had to park on the next street over, and as I walked I noticed a helicopter circling with a spotlight all around me. I got to my car and there were cops blocking off everything around me. I panicked just a bit, got out of there as fast as I could, and called all my friends to warn them. But luckily everyone was safe :)

 On Sunday,  I rolled onto set with my sunglasses on, struggling to keep my eyes open. I had to quickly down several cups of coffee and then helped myself to a wonderful bagel with chocolate spread and an apple :) Since "The Disorganized Zone" is a comedy, they asked me to act with a heavy southern accent! I love having fun on set :). I also got to hold, read, and get a picture with an original script from "The Waltons"! We got to put temporary hair color and tons of make up on Gil, in order to make him appear even younger! I talked with David for a while on break and learned that he was in an episode of, my favorite show on earth, General Hospital with James Franco- I was secretly fangirl-ing!

On Sunday night, we had a second party from Jack's workshop. This time we partied at Roya's house, in the hills! Another wonderful turn out with the best people, although we were missing quite a few because some already left for home.. It was still perfect. We sat around the fire pit and shared memories and laughter. I cannot say enough how much I love these people. I hope to see each and every one a million times again :)

And did I mention there was cake at both parties?! [that's secretly the only reason I went.... ;) ]

Alice in Wonderland

There were two things my friends always knew about coming to my house: 1) bring your own blanket, because I keep my room at 66*, and 2) be prepared to watch "Alice in Wonderland"- the original cartoon version- on repeat! They picked on me about my obsession and slightly complained, but I secretly think they enjoyed it because no one threw a real fit about it ;)

As a little girl, I- of course- watched and enjoyed "Alice in Wonderland". But I did not rediscover it until freshman year in high school. I dreamed of being a Barbie in Wonderland. I wanted to be perfect like a barbie, and just as Alice was in the cartoon, but to live in Wonderland.

As we grow up, we find ourselves looking around and thinking that "maturity" is not holding your parent's hands anymore, being too big for those kisses from your mother, not watching cartoons, fixing our own food, picking out our own clothes, and thinking that we should be able to say when we should do something instead of being told to. We're taught to take a look at our surroundings and adapt. We're raised thinking that the only thing you can do with your life is to blend in and be just like everyone else. So we don't explore too much. We see what everyone else does with their lives and we plan ours accordingly. We grow up and go to school to be something that we can do at home- something plain, something average.

But what about the dreams everyone else says are impossible?

Have you ever truly paid attention to "Alice in Wonderland"? Most didn't notice the true story until the second movie came out. After all, in the cartoon she was just a child. But even as a child and despite what everyone else thinks, she lets her imagination roam and shares with those disbelievers. She's just a child so she refers to it as "her world". She dreams about what it would be like to be animals, to be a queen, to to go against what society thinks is right.

Who decides what's right and wrong anyways? Who is this Society guy and why does he set the rules?

In the movie, it shows everyone around her discouraging her. Telling her to dress and behave as society says a girl should. Telling her to stop dreaming all those silly dreams and be realistic. To do the same things that I listed above. But Alice has guts, and those dreams that everyone says are impossible- she sees them in living colors. Not only goes out on a limb- but she leaps onto another limb! She's the definition of a small town girl, that decides "there is so much more for me than what's in this little old town", packs her bags, and heads out on a new adventure to make a difference and be truly happy with her life.

And one day, all those things that we thought we were too old for- we will miss them and wish things were still JUST like that. And one day when you realize you settled for a life like everyone else, you'll wish you had been an Alice. You'll wish that you spent what's supposed to be "the best days of your life" exploring and chasing those "impossible" dreams you dream.

"Simply impassible"- The Doorknob

"You mean impossible?"- Alice

"No! Nothing's impossible!"- The Doorknob

Yes, I may sound a little crazy going on and on about how "Alice in Wonderland", the movie everyone associates acid to, is an inspirational movie. But let me tell you a secret "all the best of us are" :)